


some guys wake up and don't even brush their teeth

by orphan_account



Category: Batgirl (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), F/M, Gen, Men are gross, No editing we die like mne, just guys being guys, lack of personal hyegine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22467820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: stephanie is exhausted of being reminded that the men in her life, no matter how much she admires them, or loves them, that they are still men.( or stephanie is reminded that men are still gross no matter what. )
Relationships: Stephanie Brown & Bruce Wayne (Briefly), Stephanie Brown & Cassandra Cain & Dick Grayson, Stephanie Brown & Damian Wayne, Stephanie Brown & Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown/Tim Drake
Comments: 11
Kudos: 103





	some guys wake up and don't even brush their teeth

**Author's Note:**

> warning for language and references to oral sex, but nothing else.

They were, by far, some of the most capable men that Stephanie had in her life. Growing up with a third-rate villain for a dad, you are used to things being shitty in so many ways. Stephanie had spent a good portion of her life with "no positive male role model". If she had been a guy, she would've been the poster child for why boys need a father in their life. Then along came Tim Drake, and Bruce Wayne, and sure she was at odds with them a lot of the time during her youth, things still _worked_ , Stephanie learned what it was to see men, guys who weren't one-hundred percent shitty (Bruce was only 85% shitty back then) and that was amazing.

Then she died.

Well went to Africa. And then she came back, and things were slowly worked out between them. Tim was still shitty, and Bruce was too a lot of the time, but things were getting better. And now, things were better. A lot better. She was accepted into the Bat fold! She was in a steady, and comfortable relationship with Tim. Bruce respected her, and let her do her own thing most of the time! She really got to know Jason, and Damian, and Dick. Her and Cass were always together whenever they could be! Babs was her mentor, and always worked with her with whatever she needed.

But.

  
At the end of the day, the guys were _still_ guys. And not in the "all men are shitty people" way. But in a more of a -- men are men type of way that every day shocked Stephanie, and as she had learned, was unfortunately rubbing off on Damian. She had managed to get Cassandra to do things the way they should be done, and she was trying to get Damian to understand that he couldn't live like this -- live like them, but so far he didn't seem to get it.

At the moment, her muscles ached, her body was sore, and she had gone through a shitty patrol that had she no had Oracle there, helping her out with things, she would've been worse for wear.

"Nearest affiliated safehouse, O." Stephanie was leaning in an alley, taking a breather. She needed it before she took back to the sky to get back to _somewhere_ to get some rest. She had an 8am tomorrow morning, but depending on how she felt, sh might just say fuck it.

" _Red Robin has one about two blocks over. So if you can get up on a roof, you'll be there in no time_." O's voice filtered through her comm, and that perked her up a bit. 

Her and Tim were currently in an _on_ part of their constant on-again-off-again relationship (she should've listened to Taylor Swift when she said 'we are never getting back together.' So now here they are), and so if he was there, then maybe Steph could get a nice shower in, then a massage and then get him to go down on her and then she'd get a nice _good_ sleep in.

( And she wouldn't fall asleep _during_ it this time! Tim was still kind of in his feelings about it. )

When she reached the building that his safe house was in, Stephanie tried to suppress a smile. This was one of the _nicer_ safe houses. She hadn't even realized that she was in a nicer part of town, and it made her absolutely giddy. It meant that the water would be nice and hot. It meant that Tim had it stocked with all the stuff to make it look like a lived in apartment.

It also meant than it was harder to get into stealthily than some of the others, but whatever, Stephanie didn't care! With or without Tim there, she was going o be comfortable. Yeha, she definitely wasn't going to class in the morning. 

" _It's a penthouse, so just get into the elevator shaft, get out on his floor, and you're good_." Barbara told her exactly what she needed to do, and it was so easy, Stephanie nearly wanted to cry. Oh yes, yes, yes! The chances of the shaft being booby trapped were zero to none too, because this was a building that other people lived in, and in no time, Stephanie was in, and standing in front of Tim's lovely penthouse.

He had one of those fancy keypad locks, and she was kind of surprised. That wasn't exactly the safest way to keep a a safe house safe, but then again, she knew that if this was that kind of building, it probably came with it, and Tim probably modded the hell out of it. Keypad locks were fancy, but the best way to keep people out of your shit was a deadbolt.

Or

Judging from the amazon package by the front door (and Steph _was_ going to leave it there) this might just be a normal penthouse on the outside. Reaching forward, she put in what she guessed was the keycode. When it worked, Steph tried not to roll her eyes. She was absolutely going to snitch about this safe house, and get Tim in trouble and then watch him get lectured. Maybe even record it for Jason and Damian to watch.

Closing the door behind her, Stephanie observed the entire penthouse, it was _clean_ as clean as she could expect for Tim. The coffee table was littered with papers, and considering how the door wasn't as guarded, it was most likely Wayne Enterprises stuff and not Batman stuff. Whatever. Bending down, she unlaced her boots, groaning as she could feel a bruise slowly forming on her chest. She had bruised something, and it was _probably_ a rib.

Before she knew it, she was in the shower, cataloging her injuries and taking advantage of Tim's hot water. Her relaxation was interrupted when she heard someone open the bathroom door, and she tensed. Her mind _immediately_ began cataloging anything she could use in the shower to use as a weapon. It looked like her best option would be to snap the loofah handle and use that to stab or bludgeon someone.

"It's just me." Tim's voice issued a warning, so that Stephanie wouldn't actually attack him again.

( It had happened before, and it was not a proud moment for either of them. )

Relaxing, she allowed Tim to climb into the shower with her, cleaning himself of the grime of Gotham's streets. She would have him check her ribs later, and she was sure that he noticed the way she winced slightly when she reached for the soap in the corner. It had taken a while, but Stephanie had convinced Tim to stop using a disgusting 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. Now, he had separates for all of them. Oh she was so proud of him.

Soon, they were out of the shower, dried off, all injuries and bruises catalogued and accounted for. 

"I haven't had a chance to go grocery shopping, but I've got some cereal." Tim said, letting Stephanie relax on the couch. Oh he was going to get fed (even if it was cereal), and get a massage _and_ get eaten out? Top 3 best ways to spend after patrol.

"Here." Stephanie was surprised when Tim handed her what appeared to be a mug, _a mug_ that had frosted flakes and almond milk in it.

"… Do you not have a bowl, Tim?" She realized that he most likely didn't, because he had just sat the box of cereal on the coffee table, and the carton of milk right next to it. 

"Oh no, I haven't gotten around to getting those yet." And then, in Stephanie's worst nightmare, she watched him pour some cereal in his mouth, and then pour milk in his mouth. This was, _disgusting_.

"You have to have utensils, Tim." Stephanie was spoke after drinking her fucking cereal. Tim had sprinkled a lot of sugar on her frosted flakes, and she was thankful for it, but seriously what the fuck.

"It's fine. I'll just get some from the manor next time I go." He shrugged before making that same disgusting mix in his mouth.

He was the smartest member of their little group, by far. He was one of, if not _the_ best detective in the world. And here he was. Sitting in his "comfortable" underwear (a pair of faded boxer with the Flash's logo on it), mixing milk and cereal in his mouth. Because he apparently didn't have any fucking kitchenware. 

( Him being a gentleman and letting Stephanie have what appeared to be his _singular_ mug was lost on her. )

It was just such… such a guy thing that it made Stephanie's skin crawl.

"You can't fucking live like this." She made a mental note to drag him to fucking Pottery Barn sometime this weekend. 

* * *

One thing that Stephanie never understood was how guys could just… not do a skincare routine, do absolutely nothing, and just walk around with their skin being fucking flawless. She had a whole routine she did, night and day, when she could, and she still had breakouts from time to time. She moisturized, she used sunscreen, she exfoliated, she did everything she needed to do on her own.

Hell, she used Tim's card and would go get an expensive facial once a month. She did everything she could do.

Then, all of the men in her lives would just say shit like "Oh I just use bar soap." Or, even worse, they just used water on their face. And Stephanie knew that it was something like men just had different hormones and their bodies worked differently. But still, it wasn't fair! They couldn't live like this!

The worst though, of all the guys she knew, was one Dick Grayson. And she hadn't been sure just how bad it was, until she had been in his apartment in Bludhaven. Cassandra and Dick were in the kitchen, eating and giving over the information that they had had. Dick needed a little help with a human trafficking case, and Bruce sent the two women to help out with it. They rarely ever worked with Dick, and he always wanted to make sure that they all worked together to a certain extent.

"What is this?" Stephanie emerged from the bathroom (after having to dry her hands with toilet paper, because he didn't have a towel behind the door. She hated men.) Placing the offending item on the counter in front of Dick and Cassandra, she crossed her arms over her chest.

The offending item was a green bottle.

"… Ives Scrub." Cassandra spoke after a brief moment, reading out the label. Stephanie gave her an approving smile, always loving the way her best friend's voice sounded to her.

"My face wash?" Dick raised an eyebrow, unsure of why Stephanie had brought it out of the bathroom.

Dick Grayson. The first Robin. Nightwing. Was using the St. Ives apricot scrub. A beauty product that had been described as one of the worst to use, by _any_ dermatologist, esthetician, or person who just read any beauty blog.

"How often are you using this?" She tried not to sound stressed.

"Every day?" His answer, laden with confusion, had Stephanie throw her arms up in the air, in frustration. Every day! He was using this everyday! 

"Are you _serious?_ Do you know how bad this is for your skin, Dick?" She was going to go into one of her rants about living like this.

This was no the first time that Stephanie had lectured Dick about how he was trying to take care of his skin. He got an A for effort, obviously, but his methods were more damaging than just not washing his face. Before this, he had been using just coconut oil. Slathering it on his face and saying he had seen Barbara using it before. ( " _As a make up remover!_ " Babs had quickly interjected because she did not want to be the reason for Dick Grayson's less than stellar personal hygiene habits. )

"I use too." Cassandra interrupted the ramblings of Stephanie Brown, looking from the bottle to Stephanie and then back to the bottle.

"You too? Did Dick tell you about it?" With the guilty look on Dick's face, Stephanie didn't need to bother with the answer. Of course he was the one who had told her about it. Maybe he was using Cassandra to deflect from Stephanie tearing into him over his skin care choices. 

"Look. This does more damage than it does good. The texture is terrible and is creating tiny tears in your skin. It's literally one of the worst products you can use on your skin. And even if it wasn't, it's an exfoliator, and you shouldn't use that every day. So, you're just ruining our skin." She used a gentler explanation now that she knew Cassandra was using it too. Cass was, most likely, just copying dick. Cass didn't know better, and Stephanie wasn't entirely sure why she was expecting Dick to know better either.

When they got back to Gotham, Stephanie had taken Cassandra to get a facial with her, and began working on something to help repair the damage of whatever she had done copying Dick's skin care routine. Dick she had left on his own. He would be able to figure it out, right?

When he sent her a picture of his newest facewash, Clean & Clear's _Zesty Lemon Scrub_ , Stephanie realized that leaving Dick to do it on his own, was actually the worst idea.

* * *

"You can't fucking live like this, Jason." If she didn't already have a headache from patrol, which had mostly just been running around chasing some low level idiots who were trying to perform multiple B&E's, she would've definitely gotten one from what she was looking at right now.

"Sorry that this isn't the fucking Ritz Carlton or the fucking manor." Jason called from the bathroom.

"I'm not looking for the Ritz Carlton, Jason, you don't even have a fucking _bed frame_." 

If she had been fifteen year old Stephanie again, this would be totally okay for her. Hell, if she had been fifteen year old Stephanie, she would be dating Jason Todd and not Tim Drake. He had all of the appeal of the guys she had been in to back then, and ten times the danger. Now she was older though. She was _nineteen_ year old Stephanie. Nineteen year old Stephanie who did not sleep with men who didn't have bed frames. And slept with men who washed their hands and cleaned under their nails. Men who sleeping with them didn't result in a UTI, no matter how much you pee after sex.

( Tim had just gotten bed sheets, per Stephanie's complaints about it, so she couldn't really complain about Jason not having them, right? )

"Nope." Stephanie shook her head. She wasn't going to do this. She could deal with not having sheets. One pillow, okay? No sheets, it was bad, but okay. But the mattress on the _floor_?

"No can do, Blondie. You're out of commission until Alfred or Replacement can get here and get you to the cave." Jason normally didn't try to be the authority figure in these situations, and would've just let Stephanie do whatever she wanted, but Barbara had chewed him out so bad that he had to act responsible.

Tonight had been easy, tailing the guys who had been doing the breaking & entries. Just a group of shitty teens who figured if they did all in one night, then no way the bats could catch them. It was obviously a stupid idea, but it was even stupider to try and use a gun. To fight off a bat. And it had been stupid to accidentally cause Batgirl and Red Hood to cross paths during this, because they had been tailing the same people from different sides of towns (turns out, it had been a group of idiots! Fun).

Then Jason had been the idiot who accidentally shot Stephanie.

It wasn't a full on bullet wound or anything! It had grazed her skin, honestly, embedded itself in a wall. But there had been blood, and Oracle flipped a shit when she had heard about it, and then immediately snitched to Bruce, who immediately benched Batgirl and Red Hood to the nearest safe house until someone could come and escort Stephanie home. And _then_ Jason wanted to complain but Barbara had flipped from her Oracle voice to her Barbara voice and chewed Jason out so much that it had now lead to this situation.

"You can either sleep here, or you can sleep on the couch until one of them gets here." Jason was doing his best to be an authority figure, which he hated.

"What happened to Dead Robins club?" Stephanie acted affronted, because really, she didn't want to sleep here. And the couch didn't look like it was much better.

"Gets overruled by the Bat and Oracle club." Jason sounded bitter about the situation as well. Stephanie tried not to groan as she decided to go with the bed.

"I fucking hate it here." She complained as she sat on the blanket. Not fully prepared to sleep. Or get a UTI from Jason's, undoubtedly dirty, matress.

"Yeah yeah, you and me both Blondie. Want your bagel toasted or plain?" Jason had already moved to the kitchen.

"Toasted." Stephanie called back.

God, this reminded her of being fifteen year old Stephanie so much that she reached for her comm, which was still secure in her ear, and pressed it, switching to the channel that she knew Tim was on.

"Hey, before you come get me, can you get me some cranberry juice?" 

* * *

"Look, I don't give a shit if you're Batman. I don't care, but it is unacceptable. Absolutely fucking unacceptable at your big age, to not put a new roll of toilet paper in your bathroom after you use the last of it." Stephanie threw the now empty toilet paper roll at the back of Bruce's head. She had been in the bathroom for fifteen minutes before someone, Cassandra, had responded to her messages and brought her a roll from upstairs.

"And flush the fucking toilet after yourself!" Stephanie gave him the finger from where she was standing before stalking back off to the training room. 

Bruce didn't even look up from the computer screen the entire time.

* * *

"…You're a lot cleaner than your brothers. More human and less animal." Brown didn't even act like she was bothered having being caught in Damian's bathroom at the manor, inspecting all of his personal hygiene items. 

"Of course. I _am_ a human. " Damian looked at Brown like she had grown a second head. He knew what she had done with his brothers, and how she had prevented (or was trying her best) to keep Cain from being like them so it made sense. "You may leave my bathroom." Damian gestured to the door, wanting her out of his bathroom and out of his room. 

Okay, it didn't look like Stephanie actually had to stress about Damian being like his brothers, and she was thankful for that. He wasn't going to be sleeping on a mattress with no sheets and giving someone a UTI.

( Which by the way, did happen, and Stephanie was still mad at Jason. )

"Brown, before you go." Damian stopped her, clearing his throat a bit. "How… did you convince them to do these things? Particularly the body wash and washing their face. It seems he has been neglecting these things, and I told him that he is simply… dirty, and he is now not speaking to me." Damian seemed rather embarrassed about this question. He wasn't even looking at Stephanie as he asked her. 

"It's an uphill battle, Little D. Just keep pushing it. And if worse comes to worse, start withholding stuff." Stephanie offered her piece of advice, knowing that in a situation like Damian's, dealing with a dirty boyfriend, that that often ended up being the best solution.

**Author's Note:**

> another just for fun thing. inspired by people posting frat houses on tiktok's where it's just a disaster because it's just a group of men, and all of the men in my own life who are disgusting but are well intentioned.


End file.
